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Teddy
Bear Cannibal Massacre Sample
Blue
Elephants by Jenifer Jourdanne
America is in a big bubble but you can play small world all day long without ever having to leave its borders. Yes. You can. Last week I was with Domino while she did some scary executive things. Really I went for the Little Meeting Big Lunch thing. After, she had to give a demo to young girls in middle school about glamour. The boys volunteered her because they were too scared. It’s like Courtney Love teaching your kids Sex Ed. Good luck because I was going along for the ride.
LA was still under the impression of summer; it was a bazillion degrees, which is what I get for living in a colonized desert, but I don’t care what anyone says - I like it. We had crazy people running for governor; I am never leaving now. We headed to an area in Downtown Disney which...is a lot of tourist stores in an outdoor setting with one very very important thing – it’s outdoors. So no air conditioning unless you’re the bubble boy. Downtown Disney did not inform me. If Walt can freeze his head then the very least he can do is air condition Downtown Disney.
Now there were only a few restaurants but one of them was THE RAINFOREST CAFÉ. Kids were leaving it crying, so that was where I went. It’s like a real Disney environment right in a restaurant. You walk in and you have to speak to the big plastic blue elephant. They actually say from their little headphones "APPROACH THE BLUE ELEPHANT!", and something blasts you with cool air. I bet its Disney cootie disinfectant. I bet Walt had that whole Howard Hughes germ disorder. Never in my life had I wished more that I was on LSD.
So you approach the blue elephant and THERE ARE PEOPLE IN IT, they are *in* the blue elephant, wearing hats and microphones and I said to Dom "I can’t believe we are here, this is so wrong, do they serve alcohol?" And apparently Walt does think of everything, because there is alcohol.
All of the sudden the whole restaurant shakes and goes dark and thunder breaks out and lightening flashes and the jungle noises start and the animated animals start moving. And the little kids start crying. I say "AM I HAVING A PANIC ATTACK?" and she says "No it’s supposed to be a rainforest!" which would explain its name. Wow, that is so fucked up. People bring their kids here to scare them; I love this place. Forget you; I am moving into the Rainforest Café.
And when it is time they call your name and say: "Domino party of two, your adventure awaits you, approach the blue elephant and please await your safari." If you don’t show up they say: Bob, party of 12, Bob Party of 12, your safari has left without you. Yea, screw you Bob, you are not going to be seeing any fake rainforest today.